Bring Me the Head of Mario: A Nintendo Musical
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: After being defeated again, Bowser orders his Koopa Kids to search the Nintendo world for Mario, who is mysteriously not at home. The Koopas end up separated on various adventures with many song parodies!
1. Do the Mario

The sun rose over the Mushroom Kingdom. Princess Peach got out of bed and gazed out the window.

(Sung to the tune of "Belle" from _Beauty and the Beast_)

Peach:**_ I wake up to my quiet village  
Everyone is calm and mellow  
Little town full of little mushrooms  
Waking up to say..._**

(Peach strolls down the stairs and is passed by several servants)  
Mushrooms: **_Hello_**

_**Hello**_

_**Hello**_

_**Hello**_

**_Hello_**  
Peach: **_There goes our Wooster freaking out, like always_**

_**Complaining 'bout a random smell  
He's not trying to be mean  
He just keeps this castle clean  
In the Mushroom Kingdom morn'**_

"Good morning, Peach," called Wooster. "I was just cleaning up when I smelled an awful odor! It appeared to be coming from your father...ah, well."

Peach laughed. "It's okay, Wooster, we're all used to it by now! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a walk!"

Mushrooms: **_Look, there she goes_**

_**So let us bow, our ruler  
Fair as the soft sand on the beach  
Always mingles with the crowds  
And the Lakitus in clouds  
No denying she's a good princess, that Peach**_

Mushroom: **_Hello_**  
Peach: **_Good day_**  
Mushroom: **_How is your family?_**  
Peach: **_Hello_**  
Mushroom: **_Good day_**  
Peach: **_The weather's grand!_**  
Mushroom:**_ I need...six eggs_**  
Shopkeeper: **_That's too expensive!_**  
Peach: **_We're all happy in our peaceful land_**

Toad rushed over to Peach. "Princess! Princess! Have you noticed that bush is following us?" They turned to a suspicious-looking bush that sat on the road. "It could be a Koopa, you know!"

Peach stared at the bush. "If it is, I'm sure Mario will come. For all we know, it's just a walking bush."

The bush ran off, revealing scaly Koopa feet under it. Toad nervously glanced to Peach, who was walking away.  
Toad, Wooster, Toadsworth: **_Look, there she goes..that girl is so unaware_**

**_The Koopas may be close in reach_**  
Toad: **_And just like I once saw_**

**_They could grab her with their claws_**  
Wooster and Toadsworth: **_And yet she simply walks along, that Peach_**

(Peach comes to a stop and a fountain and sits down by a herd of Yoshis)  
Peach: **_Ohhhh...isn't this amazing?_**

_**They're always afraid because...you'll see  
Mario stops his grazing  
And he saves me from Bowser  
With Luigi**_

Mushrooms: **_Now it's no wonder that she's not too freaked out  
Mario follows her, the leech  
But all that being so  
You'd think she'd still shout "no"  
When Bowser comes to nab and grab  
When Bowser comes to nab and grab  
He always tries to nab and grab that Peach_**

The bush, meanwhile, jumped down a warp pipe to Darkland. He shook himself off to reveal Bowser, the evil king of the Koopas...as if you hadn't guessed that. "Peach is out in the open! This'll be too easy! All I have to do is use the Clown Copter to get her! Hear that, kids? Just the Clown Copter! Then maybe I'll finally take over the Mushroom Kingdom!"

Bowser: **_Right from the moment when I spied it, saw it  
That kingdom had a star, like Sneetch  
And the only thing is she  
Who is in the way of me  
From taking over the land, it is Peach_**

Kooplaings: **_Look there he goes! King dad has a plot  
Bowser Koopa, he's mean, not cute  
We say good luck and give it a shot  
He's such a huge drak, strong and scaley brute!_**

(Bowser jumps into the Clown Copter and takes off for the Mushroom Kingdom)  
Peach: **_I'm happy with this mushroom land_**  
Bowser: **_This better work, the kidnaping I planned_**  
Mushrooms: **_Look there she goes, a girl who's strange but special_**

_**Although her high-pitched voice can screech  
It's a pity and a sin  
The Koopas will close in  
Cause she really is a lovely girl  
So nice and what a lovely girl  
She really is a lovely girl...that Peach!**_

Bowser suddenly swooped out of the sky and grabbed Peach. The Mushroom citizens screamed and ran for cover. Bowser flew away, Peach's shrieks echoing into the distance. "Mario! Luigi! Help me like I just sang about!"

Mario and Luigi sat in their house in Brooklyn. An alarm went off. "It's the Princess Capture Alarm!" cried Mario. "Again!"

"Man, that's starting to get old," sighed Luigi. The two plumbers jumped up and down a warp pipe. They came out in the Mushroom Kingdom. "Where's Peach?" Mario asked Toad.

"She was kidnaped by Bowser," said Toad, "like always." Luigi sighed again.

Mario scanned the sky. "Clown Copter, right?"

"Yep," said Toad.

"Flown towards Darkland?"

"Most likely."

"Where Peach is presumably being held in a cage over a pit of lava that's randomly there?"

"She's been kidnaped a lot," Toad grumbled. Mario and Luigi grabbed a Warp Pipe and were soon on their way to Darkland. With ease, they beat up the Koopa Troopa guards and stomped into Bowser's castle.

The Koopalings watched from the stairway. "They're back," said Ludwig. The Koopalings all laughed. They knew how this would end. Bowser would be defeated, Peach would be rescued, and then kidnaped again that afternoon. It was the same old thing.

Mario and Luigi found their way to the room where Peach was being held. She was always held in that room. Peach called from her cage, "Mario! Luigi! Let's just leave! It's always boring here!"

Suddenly, a Thwomp fell from the ceiling, blocking the exit. Bowser burst out. "Prepare to die, plumbers!" Bowser breathed fire at them. It broke the chain holding up Peach. She fell towards the lava, but Luigi kicked her to safety. Mario swung on the chain to kick Bowser in the face.

Mario: **_Do the Mario! _**

_**Swing your arms from side to side**_

_**Come on it's time to go, do the Mario**_

(Luigi jumps up and down on Bowser)

Luigi: **_Take one step and then again  
Let's do the Mario, all together now_**

(Mario and Luigi bounce Bowser back and fourth like a volleyball)

Mario: You got it!

Luigi: It's the Mario!  
Mario: **_Do the Mario! _**

_**Swing your arms from side to side**_

_**Come on it's time to go, do the Mario! **_

Luigi: **_Take one step and then again  
Let's do the Mario, all together now_**

Mario: Come on now!

(Bowser is knocked into the lava pool)

Both: **_Just like that! _**

"That takes care of that," said Luigi, "but we're still trapped!"

Mario fished out Bowser's unconscious body out of the lava. "Hold on, Luigi! I have an idea!" Mario swung Bowser around and around by his tail, throwing him into the Thowmp. The huge rock shattered into pieces, and the trio calmly left, leaving Bowser's body behind for some henchman to find. Like always.

* * *

Wooster is a mushroom from the Mario comics. He looks a lot like Toad. 


	2. I Used to be a Threat

"King Bowser?" said a voice. Bowser crawled to his feet to find Kamek and Kammy looking over him. "Oh man..." he grunted, "what hit me?"

"Mario and Luigi," said Kammy, "yet again."

"Aww...did my kids see it?"

"They heard the singing," confessed Kamek.

"How are they supposed to fear their dad when I keep getting beaten up by two little nuts with stupid voices!" moaned Bowser.

"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is," said Kamek. "Go try punishing one of them right now. I'm sure they'll be afraid."

"You're right! I'm off!" Bowser scurried along the halls of his huge castle until he came across one of his kids, Roy, beating up a little Goomba. "Roy! How many times have I told you to only beat up on things that actually have spines! Like Rocky Wrenches or the Sumo Bros! Not a Goomba!"

"But it's fun," replied Roy, not even looking up.

"Go to the dungeon! NOW!"

"Yeah right," Roy stomped on the Goomba and walked away.

"Did you see that!" Bowser yelled at what was left of the Goomba. "I have no parental authority!"

"I feel pain," said the Goomba. "Lots and lots of pain."

"Me too," sighed Bowser. "The internal kind."

"Oh. I'm just completely flattened and uncomfortable."

Bowser walked into his room and sat down on his throne.

(Sung to the tune of "King of Old Broadway" from _The Produces_)

Bowser: **_I used to a threat, a threat they used to say  
The scariest, you'd be and people ran away  
I always had the loudest roars  
My wounds would leave the biggest sores  
I always had the highest scores  
I never was deplored in any way_**

Kamek and Kammy: **_We believe you, thousands wouldn't  
We believe you, ev'ry word  
We believe you, thousands couldn't  
We believe each word we've heard _**

Bowser: **_I used to be a threat_**  
Kammy: A threat?  
Bowser: **_A threat they used to say_**  
Kamek: It's good to be a threat  
Bowser: **_Horrifying, you'd bet_**

_**A monster every day  
My boss levels were always hard  
My songs had words by greatest bards  
My Sumo Bros. were full of lard  
You couldn't call me scarred in any way! **_

Kamek and Kammy: **_We believe you, thousands wouldn't  
We believe you, ev'ry wordWe believe you, thousands couldn't  
We believe each word we've heard _**

Bowser: **_There was a time  
When I was young and gay...  
But straight  
There was a time  
When I would bust  
There was a time  
When each and ev'ry guy I touched  
Would turn to dust_**

Kammy and Kamek: **_There was a time  
He had the sharpest claws  
His prisoners never free_**

Bowser: **_Now I'm always pulverized_**

**_My kids don't respect me_**  
Kammy and Kamek: **_Poor old Bowser, what a shmoozer_**

_**Poor old Bowser, what a shame  
Poor old Bowser, what a loser  
Poor old Bowser, goodbye fame**_

Bowser: **_I used to be a threat  
A threat they used to say  
Again I'll be a threat  
And be on top to stay_**

Kammy and Kamek: **_He'll be on top again, hey!_**

Bowser suddenly stood up. "Wait a second...wait a second! I have an idea...I'll show the kids how hard it is to get Mario! I'll order them to bring back his head!"

* * *

"King of Old Broadway" didn't make it into my ProdcEds story, so it's going here. 


	3. Epic Journey

"KIDS!" yelled Bowser.

Iggy and Lemmy peeked in from the other room. "Is he talking to us?" asked Iggy.

"Probably," replied Lemmy.

They walked in. "What is it, King Dad?" asked Iggy. "We're busy."

Bowser looked around for the other six Koopalings. "How come there are only two of you?"

Lemmy shrugged. "We're the only ones who weren't lazy enough to come."

Jr ran in. "I'm here! I'm here!"

"Aside from our irritating suck-up brother," grumbled Iggy.

"In fact, I'm feeling kind of lazy now," said Lemmy. "Let's go."

"HOLD IT!" yelled Bowser. He called loudly for the others. "GET DOWN HERE! ALL OF YOU!"

All the Koopalings scampered in. Bowser paced around in front of them. "I've figured out that you've lost respect in me...you think I'm such a wimp for always losing to Mario...he's hard to get, ya know! I'm ordering you to go out and get him now! Bring me the head of Mario!"

"Think he means it?" whispered Roy.

"YESSSS!" roared Bowser, breathing fire.

"I think he means it," coughed a scorched Roy.

After pillaging the kingdom but finding no Mario, the Koopalings headed towards Brooklyn. They found Mario's house and kicked the door down.

"Mario!" yelled Roy. "You better be in here! I'm gonna pound you!"

Larry rolled his eyes. "Like that's gonna lure him out..."

"I bet he and Luigi..." started Iggy.

"...are just hiding!" finished Lemmy.

"Chickens," they both chorused.

Wendy was the most edgy. "Come out or I'll SCREAM!"

"Not that!" cried Ludwig. "Everyone! Wendy's about to scream!"

"To the bomb shelter!" cried Jr. Morton started screeching like a siren as they all ran for it.

"Very funny," grumbled Wendy.

"Who says we're joking?" said Ludwig from outside.

Wendy stopped searching. "Well, they're not here."

Morton walked out. "Pity, shame, problem, trouble for us."

"If you don't shut up right now..." warned Roy.

"We have to set off," blurted Jr.

"What?" stared Larry.

"We can't return to King Dad empty-handed," explained Jr. "Mario must be out in one of those Nintendo lands somewhere! We can split up and find him!"

"Your loyalty sickens me," growled Roy. "I shoulda been the one in 'Super Mario Sunshine' and all those spin-offs!"

Ludwig sighed. "I hate to say it, but Jr is right. We must go."

They were soon in Mario Karts and driving across the land.

(Sung to the tune of "City of Light" from "The Brave Little Toaster")

Jr: **_So we've got a journey to do and please our dad  
Head says you should stay, but if you do he'll get mad  
So you go_**

Others: **_But you don't wanna go_**  
Jr: **_Any life worth living_**

_**Isn't life just filled with ease**_

**_You just stay forgiving through the forest and the trees_**  
Jr and Larry: **_And you'll go_**

**_Just where you wanna go_**  
All but Roy: **_Time flies by on our epic journey_**

_**Gonna go kill a plumber  
Lots of guys may wanna stop me  
But we'll clobber them all**_

Iggy and Lemmy: **_And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied_**  
All but Roy: **_To set out with no doubt_**

_**It's about  
This big epic, our epic journey**_

Ludwig: **_Light shines like a diamond in the warp zone ahead_**  
Wendy: **_I'll be feeling better once I know this guy's dead_**  
Roy: **_But you know_**

**_We got a way to go_**  
Jr: **_Let us simply please dad_**

**_We don't wanna make him wait_**  
Jr and Morton: **_Once Mario's bumped off_**

_**He'll just fizzle all that hate**_

_**It's our epic journey**_

They stopped at the pipes, each one leading to a different area.

"Well...here's where we split up," said Jr. "Are we going to have a tearful parting?"

"Where have you been!" cried Lemmy.

"We all hate each other!" said Iggy. They all drove down separate pipes.  
Ludwig: **_Bowser is a man with a plan I can understand_**  
Morton: **_Bowser is a man who'll wreck a city_**  
Larry: **_Bowser is a man who lays his claw across the land_**  
Wendy: **_Bowser is the man that the fans pity_**  
All: **_Time flies by on our epic journey_**

_**Gonna go kill a plumber**_

_**Lots of guys may wanna stop me**_

**_But we'll clobber them all_**  
Iggy and Lemmy: **_And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied_**

All: **_To set out with no doubt_**

**_It's about  
This big epic, our epic journey_**

**_

* * *

_**This fic shows that I HATE Bowser Jr! He's pretty annoying and steals the spotlight from the much more amusing Koopalings. Anyway, I love "City of Light," although most people reading this probably haven't heard it or seen "The Brave Little Toaster." 


	4. Congo Fever

Bowser Jr popped out of his pipe and looked around. He was in a lush island. A few beaver-like creatures scurried by. Jr walked through, only saw little creatures disappear down holes or into trees. Otherwise, there appeared to be no intelligent life. Finally, he found a banana just lying on the ground. He picked it up, but before he could eat it...

"BANANA SLAMMA!" A huge barrel suddenly came down on Jr. When he woke up, he found that the barrel had been tossed up into a tree. He climbed down to find a group of apes arguing over a banana. He recognized them as the Kongs, who lived in Congo Bongo Jungle, where he apparently was.

"What's going on?" asked Jr.

Donkey Kong laughed after getting a better look at Jr. "Hey, it's just a little Koopa!"

"We thought you were some kind of Kremling," said Diddy. "Sorry about the painful barrel."

"Eh, I've been Thwomp'ed before," began Jr, until he remembered who he was talking to. "Wait, what am I doing! King Dad says that Koopas never talk to heros! I'll just ask you if Mario is around here."

"Nope," replied Donkey. "Seen any more bananas?"

"Don't you have some kind of huge banana hoard somewhere?" asked Jr.

Donkey sighed. "It was stolen...again."

Diddy stared hard at Jr. "The lack of bananas is driving us CRAZY!"

Jr backed away. "That bad, huh?" Suddenly, crazy samba music started up.

(Sung to the tune of "Cabin Fever" from "Muppet Treasure Island)

Donkey and Diddy: CONGO FEVER!

Diddy: **_I got Congo fever, I'm swinging through the trees_**  
Donkey: **_I've got Congo fever, I'm flying in the breeze_**  
Diddy and Donkey: **_We got Congo fever, the barrels going "slammas"_**  
Squawks the Parrot: **_Us birds that perch are sent to search for some stolen bananas  
_**(Suddenly, the various animal sidekicks all dance out as the jungle becomes a flashy colorful land, obviously looking like the "Cabin Fever" scene)  
Animals: **_Ariba!_**

_**Chica chica boom  
A chica chica boom boom chic  
Chica chica boom **_

_**A chica chica boom boom chic**_

Jr: Uh...yeah...I'll just be leaving now...

(Donkey Kong and Diddy dance in his way)  
Donkey: **_We got Congo fever we're smashing some Kremlings_**  
Diddy: **_We got Congo fever, and through it all, we sing_**  
(They chase down a few Kremlings who are each holding a banana)  
Kritters: **_I'm feeling pain, 'cause those barrels are hard_**  
Klump: **_I wish I was better at running, 'cause I'm just some lard_**  
Krusha: **_We're in trouble, trouble, 'cause D.K. is behind_**  
Klap Trap: **_I've lost my mind! Ha ha heh!_**  
(Klap Trap is launced into the distance by a barrel cannon. The other Kremlings are grabbed by the Kongs as the song takes a country turn)  
Lanky: **_Grab a Kremling by the tail_**

_**Throw him in the air  
Barrel throw, step on his toe  
Catch him in a snare  
Pound him on the ground, smash him on a tree  
It's time to end it swift  
Throw your Kremling over the side**_

**_Of a real deep cliff_**  
(Cranky and Wrinkly sit and watch from the porch)  
Cranky: **_We got Congo fever_**  
Wrinkly: **_No if's, and's, or but's_**  
Cranky: **_We're just mean and old_**  
Wrinkly: **_Rather cold_**  
Both: **_And a little nuts_**  
(Dixie and Kiddie bump a little Gnawty back and fourth like a volleyball)

Dixie: **_Ach du lieber Volswagen car_**  
(Kiddie: **_Yodel-lay-ee-hoo_**)  
Both: **_Saur braten viener schnitzel_**

_**Und a vunder bar**_

Jr: What?  
(Tiny and Chunky frantically break open barrels, looking for bananas)  
Tiny: **_Now we're searching, searching, all over the ground_**  
Chunky: **_But none are found_**  
Funky: **_I've got Congo fever_**

**_And now I have no lunch_**  
Donkey: **_I'd like to get my hands on_**

**_Those Kremlings and go crunch!_**  
Candy: **_Yeah!_**  
(Jr makes a run for it, jumping through the trees)  
Jr: **_I had better get right out of here_**

_**Because these Kongs are getting near**_

**_Insanity, that's what I fear_**  
(He suddenly falls and lands on a cliff, with all the Kongs dancing around him)  
Kongs: **_Congo fever has ravaged all aboard_**

_**It took its' toll when Kremilings stole our big banana hoard  
Now we're searching, searching, for bananas we lack  
And if they're not round here  
We'll have no snack!  
Congo fever! Yeah!**_

"You people are nuts!" blurted Jr as the jungle returned back to normal. "If we had a Koopa Kola shortage, we wouldn't be freaking out and doing a random number! We'd just wage war on someone."

Cranky Kong's eyes grew wide. "Wait a second...war! That's it! We'll have a good ol' fasioned war with the Kremlings! And I'll be the general! It'll be just like old times!"

Jr started to walk away. "Yeah, well, I'm getting out of here!"

Surprisingly, Cranky smashed a barrel onto Jr, trapping him like before. "Not so fast, ya little Klap Trap! I've never liked you Koopas, and I've decided to draft you!"

"Are any other guys getting drafted?" asked Jr.

"Nope. Just you."

"Then I refuse!" said Jr. Cranky hit him with his cane. "Ouch!" cried the little Koopaling. "Hey, that hurt!" Cranky hit him again. "Stop it! That's uncomfortable!" Once again, hit him. "Fine, I'll join your stupid army."

Soon, Jr and all the Kongs were lined up by their cabin. General Cranky stood in front of them. "Men, this is war!"

"Well, duh!" cried Jr. "Why else would we be in an army?" Cranky hit him again.

"WAR!" continued Cranky. "It's not like some video game. We're gonna storm the Kremlings' ship and steal the bananas. To do so, we need a spy. Someone who can blend in. A villain. We need Iggy here."

"Actually, I'm Bowser Jr." He got hit with a cane...again. "Fine," he sighed. "I'm going. What am I doing here...?"

* * *

I love the Donkey Kong series, and this is the first time I've written for the characters. Just wait 'till Jr has to pose as a Kremling. 


	5. I Wanna Be Like You

Jr was led to the ocean where a pirate ship was seen in the distance. Annoyed, the Koopa swam across while riding on the back of Engaudre the swordfish. "Man, I hate this," complained Jr. "I'm actually feeling mad at King Dad for making me come out here...and I'm supposed to be the good kid! Hey, when did it get so foggy?"

As they approached the ship, Jr could see the Kremlings working onboard. He could even hear them singing...

(Sung to the tune of "Fathoms Below" from "The Little Mermaid")

Kremlings: **_We Kremlings'll sail the bottomless blue  
And we'll make sure the Kongs will all go  
Look out, guys, a Kremling be waiting for you  
And we hide it the fathoms below_**

_**Fathoms below, below  
Where Klap Traps will nip at your toes  
Where K. Rool won't fail and his henchmen sail  
O'er mysterious fathoms below**_

Jr climbed onboard.  
Kremlings: **_Heave ho_**

_**Heave ho**_

"Thanks, fish thing," Jr called to the swordfish. "Wait a second...that stupid Kong never said when I could leave or how to report my findings!" Jr quickly jumped out of sight as a few Kritters walked by.  
Kremlings: **_Heave ho_**

_**Heave ho  
Heave ho  
O'er mysterious fathoms below**_

"Great..." sighed Jr. "I'm on a ship full of chorus boys." He sat down on a barrel, which started to shake. Out popped Klobber, a crazy (or rather, "krazy") Kremling that sat inside. He ran around grunting until Jr tossed him overboard. Instantly, he was surrounded by Kremlings.

"Hey, he got Klobber!" yelled one Klump.

Jr backed uo. "Uh...hold on, guys..."

Instead of attacking him, the Klump laughed. "I don't know what kind of freakish Kremling you are, but thanks for getting rid of him! He was driving us all nuts!"

Jr smiled. "Right...yep, planning it all along. So, what were our orders, again? I wasn't listening to K. Rool."

Klubba shrugged. "We weren't, either. We usually just go into the jungle, fight a few Kongs, then limp back here."

"That's easy!" said Jr. "It'll be easy to be in this crew!"

A Kritter looked suspicious. "Ya know, I've never seen you before...where'd you come from?"

"Yeah," said Kudgel, "and what's with your shell? Are you the inbred result of a Kremling and a turtle?"

"Uh...uh...uh..."

Kutlass waved his sword. "Yarr! I say that's not a Kremlin' at all! It's one of them Koopas that K. Rool is always ranting about!"

Klubba looked up. "Hey, K. Rool...'cruel.' His name's a pun! I get it now!"

All the Kremlings nodded, figuring it out as well. When they looked back, Jr was gone. "Save me, King Dad!" Jr climbed a rope, but a Klinger swung by and cut it. Jr fell, landing in the ship's brig, which was full of the stolen bananas. "Wow, that was easy."

Suddenly, he was grabbed by K. Rool himself. "A Koopa!" hissed the captain.

"You better back off, or I'll..."

"No!" cried K. Rool. "Please! Don't be mad...the truth is...I want to be like you! I don't want to keep flashing from a king to a pirate to a scientist! In a hundred years, no one will remember me! Just Bowser!"

Jr stared in amazement. "Say that again..."

K. Rool: **_Now I'm the king of the Kremlings  
Oh, as I sail this ship  
I've reached the top and had to stop  
And I feel like a drip  
I wanna be a creepy Koopa  
And stroll into Darkland  
And be just like the other guys  
To be like you is grand _**

Oh, oobee doo  
I wanna be like you  
I wanna walk like you  
Talk like you, too  
You'll see it's true  
A creep like me  
Can learn to be like a Koopa too

"What's wrong with you!" Jr cried in disbelief.

"Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" sighed the Kremling. "In fifty years everyone will remember big guys like Bower and Gannondorf! But what of me? Nothing! Only a trophy in Melee! I'm nothing!" He continued:

_**Oh please help me out, Koopa  
I need some help right now  
What I desire to breath fire  
My problem is I don't know how  
All I need is a big shell  
Would it be red or blue?  
Give me the power of fire flower  
So I can be like you **_

You!  
I wanna be like you  
I wanna talk like you  
Walk like you, too  
You'll see it's true  
Someone like meCan learn to be  
Like someone like me  
Can learn to be  
Like someone like you  
Can learn to be  
Like someone like me!

Jr suddenly got an idea. "Yeah...you know what King Dad really likes? Bananas! There's a warp pipe up ahead. If you guys bring all that stolen stuff, we can all travel through the jungle and see him!"

"Yeah!" cheered the Kremlings.

Jr smiled to himself. "Prepare for fruit, Kongs."

* * *

If you ask me, "Fathoms Below" is a truly underrated song. 


	6. Donkey Kong Rap

The Kremlings stomped through the jungle with their stolen goods. "Oh, I'm finally working side by side with the Koopas!" cried K. Rool happily. "Happy day!"

"Yeah, yeah, we're superior," Jr said quickly. "Keep pulling the yellow stuff."

Cranky watched from the trees. "There's that little runt with our bananas! Shall we ambush those dirty Kremlings?"

"Yeah!" agreed Diddy. "They've had this coming!"

The Kongs jumped from the trees and smashed the Kremlings. "How did they know we would be here!" cried Klump.

"Beats me," Jr shrugged innocently.

"Good work bringing the Kremlings and bananas here, Koopa!" Lanky said loudly. "Yep, you make a great friend to the Kongs!"

"FRIEND!" exclaimed K. Rool. "I've been working with the Kongs' friend! Kill the Koopa!"

Jr backed up against a tree. "Help me, Cranky!"

"Nah, we've got the bananas."

"It's all good," said Donkey Kong.

"That tears it!" hissed Jr. He snatched up the banana barrels and jumped up into the tree. "If you guys are all after these worthless bananas, maybe the Koopas will like them too!" Jr hopped away. "King Dad's gonna be proud! Maybe on the way back I can grab a little Kong and bring him their head..."

Chunky Kong shook the tree. Jr lost his balance and dropped the bananas down a deep cliff. Everyone gasped in horror. "The bananas!" they all cried.

"Don't panic..." Cranky said to everyone. "There's a barrel cannon down there, and we'll catch them when they're shot out."

Lanky happily flailed his arms. "I'll do it! I have the arms!"

The bananas came blasting out, several feet away from Lanky, who was reaching the wrong way. They flew far into the air.

Lanky turned to the others. "Missed."

"Now, what was it I was saying?" K. Rool thought to himself. "...KILL THE KOOPA!" The Kongs took off after him.

Donkey:**_ He's the leader of the bunch, you know him well_**

_**He's finally back to kick some tail!**_

(Donkey Kong throws a kick at Jr, who jumps out of the way onto a vine over a deep trench)

_**His coconut gun can fire in spurts **_

_**If he shoots ya, it's gonna hurt!**_

(Donkey Kong fires at him, breaking the vine. Jr falls into the darkness)

_**He's bigger! faster! and stronger too! **_

_**He's the first member of the DK crew!**_

(Jr watches as Donkey Kong fades from view as he falls deeper)

_**D. K.! Donkey Kong! **_

_**HEY! D. K.! Donkey Kong is here!**_

(Jr lands at the bottom by Tiny Kong)

Tiny: **_This Kong's got style, so listen up dudes! _**

_**She shrinks in size to suit her mood! **_

_**She's quick n' nimble when she needs to be **_

_**She floats in air and climbs up trees!**_

(She chases Jr, who runs for it)

_**If you choose her, you won't choose wrong **_

_**With a skip and a hop, she's ONE COOL KONG!**_

_**D. K.! Donkey Kong!**_

(Two arms reach out and grab him)

Lanky: **_He has no style, he has no grace _**

_**This Kong...has a funny face **_

_**He can handstand when he wants to **_

_**And stretch his arms out just for you!**_

(Jr bites him and runs. Lanky flies after him, inflated)

_**In-flate himself just like a balloon **_

_**This cra-zy Kong just digs this tune!**_

(Jr stabs him with a needle, and he flies away)

_**HEY! D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong!**_

_**D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong is here! **_

(Jr emerges from the pit to be face-to-face with Diddy)

Diddy: **_He's back again, and about time, too _**

_**And this time, he's in the mood!**_

_**He can fly real high with his jetpack on... **_

_**With his pistols out, he's one tough Kong! **_

(Diddy shoots at Jr, who ducks into his shell)

_**He can make you smile when you hear his tune...**_

_**But, Koopa beware 'cause he's out after you! **_

_**D. K.! Donkey Kong! D. K.! Donkey Kong! **_

(Chunky jumps down on Jr)

Chunky: **_Fi-nal-ly, he's here for you! _**

_**It's the LAST member of the D. K. crew! **_

_**This Kong's...so strong, it isn't funny!**_

_**Can make a Kremling cry out for Mummy!**_

(He grabs for Jr, who dodges again. Chunky picks up a boulder and hurls it at him)

_**He can pick up a boulder with relative ease **_

_**Makes crushing rocks seem such a breeze**_

_**He may move slow; he can't jump high**_

(Upon hearing this, Jr jumps onto a tall cliff)

_**But this Kong's one heck of a guy!**_

(Thinking he's safe, Jr turns around to find himself surrounded by the others, who stop rapping and chant in eerie voices)

Mob: **_Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! _**

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

_**Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! **_

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

_**Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! **_

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

_**Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! **_

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

_**Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! **_

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

_**Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! **_

_**Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! **_

Jr finally stopped them. "SHUT UP!" Jr jumped over them and looked around. "Oh no! I've gone in a huge circle!"

The bananas came flying down and landed on everyone. Jr scurried away to the safety of the warp pipe. No Mario there.


	7. It Sucks To Be Me

(To the tune of "The Avenue Q Theme")

Chorus: **_The sun is shining, it's a lovely day_**

_**A perfect morning for a kid to play**_

_**But you're got that big debt to pay  
What can you do?**_

Your work real hard  
For a crap reward  
You wanna kill guys with the master sword  
And at the end of the day you're sad and you're bored  
You live in the forest, you  
Just live in the forest, true  
Your friends do too  
There is nothing to do  
When you live in this forest, you  
Just live in this forest, you  
Just live in this forest, woo!

Larry Koopa emerged in a pleasant-looking forest. He walked down a brick path and eventually found himself looking down on a beautiful valley full of cute little houses. The Koopa stared down in disgust. It was almost as bad as Peach's cutesy kingdom full of mushrooms! If the Koopas could finally take it over, they could dirty it up. He sighed. Mario just may be here. Still, he didn't like being in such a sweet forest.

Larry: **_What do I do in a nonviolent forest  
What weapons are there to find  
Minor ones are small, like some stupid pitfall  
How can I be vaguely unkind?_**

_**  
I guess I could punch them  
Or smash them or crunch them  
But that would take effort and work**_

Just look for a plumber  
'Cause there's no one dumber  
And bring him  
To King Dad, the jerk

Larry climbed down into the valley and hid being a house. He saw a squirrel walking down the beach. She suddenly stumbled upon a dazed seagull in a sailor's suit.

"Morning, Gulliver!" called the squirrel.

"Hi, Sally," grunted the seagull, sitting up. Larry was surprised. He thought that Gulliver was dead!

"How's life?" smiled Sally.

"Disappointing!" cried Gulliver.

"What's the matter?"

"Well, that last wave that hit me washed me away from my ship and away from my confidence..." He sighed.

Gulliver: **_When I was little  
I thought I would be..._**

Sally: What?  
Gulliver: **_A fearless pirate_**

_**Who sailed the sea**_

_**But now I'm all washed up**_

_**And as you can see**_

_**That's gone**_

Sally: Yep.  
Gulliver: **_Oh well..._**

_**It sucks to be me**_

Sally: Nooo.  
Gulliver: **_It sucks to be me_**

Sally: No!

Gulliver: **_It sucks to be wet_**

_**And on the beach**_

_**Without the money tree**_

_**It sucks to be me**_

Larry stared in confusion. What was up with these animals? "Oh, you think your life sucks?" Sally asked Gulliver.

Gulliver shrugged. "I think so."

"Your problems aren't so bad!" she laughed.  
Sally: **_I'm kinda pretty_**

_**And pretty darn smart**_

Gulliver:You are.

Sally: Thanks!

_**I like romantic things**_

_**Like music and art**_

_**And as you know**_

_**I have a gigantic heart**_

_**So why don't I have**_

_**A boyfriend?**_

_**I'm stuck!**_

_**It sucks to be me!**_

Gulliver: Me too.

Sally: **_It sucks to be me_**

Gulliver:**_ It sucks to be me._**

_**It sucks to be Gully**_

Sally:**_ And Sal'_**

Gulliver: **_To not have a crew!_**

Sally: **_To not have a pal!_**

Both: **_It sucks to be me_**

At that moment, two dogs in police suits walked by, arguing with each other. One was a great dane, the other was a tired-looking bulldog.

"Hey, Copper, Booker," called Gulliver, "can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?"

Copper, the dane, saluted the seagull. "Ah, certainly."

"Uh...sure...why not..." the bulldog, Booker's, voice faded away.

"Whose life sucks more?" asked Sally. "Gulliver's or mine?"

"Ours!" cried Copper and Booker.

Copper: **_We work together_**

Booker: **_We're just a pair of cops_**

Copper: **_We're just the best of buddies..._**

Booker: **_Hope our friendship never stops_**  
Copper: **_But he knows lots of ways to act like he's full of slop_**

Booker: What!

Copper: **_Oh, every day he is falling asleep_**

Booker: **_Come on, that's just a load of word bleeped_**

Copper: **_You're always lagging_**

_**You like to sleep on my chair**_

Booker: Oh yeah?

_**You're always watching me**_

_**With a creepy stare**_

Copper: **_That small police station is now just a big nightmare_**

Booker: **_Same to you_**

_**My job's a nightmare too**_

Copper: **_It sucks to be me!_**

Booker: **_No, it sucks to be me!_**

Sally: **_It sucks to be me!_**

Gulliver:**_ It sucks to be me!_**

All: **_Is there anybody here_**

_**It doesn't suck to be?**_

_**It sucks to be me!**_

An angry blue koala burst out of her house. "Why are you all so happy?" she complained. "And at this hour! I need my beauty sleep, you know!"

"Because our lives suck, Yuka," grumbled Gulliver.

Yuka glared at them. "Your lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly? Ha!"

_**I came to this nice village**_

_**To mingle with boys**_

_**But I took a ride on a train**_

_**That I didn't enjoy**_

_**Now that weird cat**_

_**Named Rover stalks me, I say oy**_

_**He's such a nut**_

_**And I need a therapist!**_

_**But people avoid me**_

'_**Cause Rover's a killer**_

_**And I need lots of time to hide**_

_**It sucks to be me!**_

_**It sucks to be me!**_

_**It really**_

_**Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-**_

_**Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-**_

_**Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-**_

_**Sucks!**_

_**It sucks to be me!**_

Larry decided he might as well ask about Mario before the song went on. He walked out. "Uh, hey...cute animals. I was wondering..."

"If you could live here?" guessed Gulliver. "You have to speak to Tom Nook! He'll give you a house!"

"No," started Larry, "I just gotta know..."

"He should talk to the mayor first!" Copper cut off. "Sir! Mayor Tortimer! There's someone here to see you!"

An old turtle hobbled out. "I'm coming, I'm coming..."

"Hey, are you a Koopa?" asked Larry.

"Never, ya whippersnapper!"

_**The name's Tortimer**_

_**From Animal Crossing**_

_**I made a lot of money**_

_**But now it has gone missing**_

_**Now I'm broke and**_

_**I have none of (how you say) "bling"**_

_**But I'm here**_

_**I'm still the mayor**_

**_Of this forest, too_**  
Animals: **_It sucks to be you_**

Sally: You win!

Animals: **_It sucks to be you_**

Gulliver: I feel better now!

Tortimer: **_Try having people stopping you to ask you_**

"Hey, are you a Koopa?" It's annoying!

Animals: **_It sucks to be you_**

_**In this forest, too**_

_**(Sucks to be me)**_

_**In this forest, too**_

_**(Sucks to be you)**_

_**In this forest, too**_

_**(Sucks to be us)**_

_**But not when we're together**_

_**We're together**_

_**Here in this forest, too**_

_**We live in this forest, woo**_

_**So don't feel blue**_

_**'Til our dreams come true**_

_**We live in this forest, too**_

_**We live in this forest, too**_

_**We live in this forest, too**_

_**Welcome to this forest, you!**_


	8. A Duo

Grabbed by the singing mob of animals, Larry found himself carried across the village and thrown into Tom Nook's shop. "I keep telling you cutesy guys," Larry called after them as the shop's automatic doors closed, "I don't want a..."

"How may I help you?" cried Tom Nook, a shady-looking racoon. "Do you want a house? I've already bought you one."

Larry stared at him in confusion. "What?"

"That will be a thousand bells."

"I'm not paying you for a house I didn't buy!" exclaimed Larry.

Nook shook his head. "Shame."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seconds later, Larry was once again thrown into a building. This time, it was "his" tiny, empty house. The Koopa was now tied up.

Tortimer stood in the doorway and shook his cane at the bound villain. "We don't take well to freeloaders!"

"You're staying in there until you pay!" added Nook. They slammed and locked the door.

Larry rocked back and fourth nervously. "I'm in a town full of crazy people...I'm in a town full of crazy people...I'm in a---"

"Yeah, it's sad," said a voice. Larry looked up to see a squinty-eyed fox that sounded like Jack Nicholson watching him through the house's only window. "I'm the only normal guy around here."

"And you are...?"

"Crazy Redd's the name," grinned the fox. "Nook's main rival. They don't like me much out here. Usually I have to set up a market in a secret location."

"A market?" repeated Larry.

"Yep, I'm a conman like you, kid."

"How do you know I'm a conman?" asked the suspicious Koopa.

"Because you're a Koopa, genius. I have to read into this stuff."

"Right. Well, can you help me out of here?"

"A partnership with you? I don't know." Redd climbed inside.

"Come on!" persisted Larry. "I could seriously help you out!"

Nook seemed to consider this. "Well, it sure would be convenient to set up a little shop of my own in this shack of yours. Once you pay for it, you can make it bigger. More business."

"Right! Right! Now, untie me!"

"Hold on a second." Redd ran around the room. In a second, it had been redesigned to look like his little tent. Redd grinned and untied Larry. "Not the most space in the world, but not bad."

(Sung to the tune of "A Duo" from _An American Tale_)

Redd: **_I can tell we've got an awful lot in common,_**

_**Despite I'm from what's considered an RPG**_

_**Still, we're villains to the end**_

_**Why can't we also be friends?**_

_**It just comes to us, naturally!**_

_**Come to think of it I think we fit together**_

_**It's lonely when you're scamming all alone**_

_**Looking at you, I can tell**_

_**That we'd both rake in the bells**_

_**This place is your second home**_

(Redd rummages through a trunk marked "crap items" and grabs two hats and canes. Larry's hat is old and falling apart)

_**We're a duo**_

_**A duo**_

_**A pair of lonely ones who were meant to be a two, oh,**_

_**A duo,**_

_**It's true-o**_

_**Wherever we go, we're going me and you!**_

(On the last line, the cane Redd is holding breaks and he falls down. Without missing a beat, he jumps up, acting as if nothing has happened)

_**No matter what now we've got one another**_

_**The black market is the place for you, I know**_

_**The cash will soon come rolling in**_

_**In this game, we'll surly win**_

Larry (thinking): **_As a jerk, I've got a knack_**

_**I could stab him in the back**_

Redd: **_We'll get more and more_**

_**We're friends and that's what friends are for**_

(They both dance. Each time one of their backs is turned, the other one gives him a dirty, sneaky look)

Both: **_We're a duo_**

_**A duo**_

_**We'll get thousands of bells, or at we'll get a few, oh,**_

_**A duo**_

_**It's true-o**_

_**So whatever we may do**_

_**We know we can make it through**_

'_**Cause you've got me and **_

_**I've got you! **_

Yes, sir!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun had soon set. Crazy Redd and Larry stood outside, putting the finishing touches onto the shop/house.

"And to think we've already made three sales today!" grinned Redd. "But those animals had better keep their mouths shut about me. Good job, kid."

"Right. So where's my cut of the bells?"

"You'll get something in a second..." Redd pulled out a flare gun and fired it into the sky.

Tom Nook walked out of his shop to see what had happened when he spied Larry standing outside. "AAAAAHHHH! The freeloading reptile's escaped!"

Larry looked around, but Redd was hiding inside the house. "Help me out, Redd!"

"Hey, I'm a conman," shrugged the fox. "I screw people, not help them!"

"I'll get you for this!" Larry ran for it as a police siren sounded. Copper and Booker started chasing him (although Booker fell asleep after a few seconds and ended up falling into some bushes).

"It's hard to get good help nowadays," sighed Copper, who continued chasing Larry.

Larry came to a tree and shook it. A beehive fell out. "Now you're in for it!" cried Larry. "Fly, my pretties!" Instead of attacking Copper, the bees simply stung Larry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Koopa was soon sitting in a tiny jail cell located in the police station. "I'm gonna get Redd for this!"

"Crazy Redd?" laughed Copper. "He hasn't shown his face here ever since he was banned from the village. Nice try, though."

"Seriously!" moaned Larry. He suddenly remembered why he was there in the first place: Mario! "Look, I know I'm in jail now, but was there some stupid plumber around here?"

"Haven't seen one."

"I got arrested for nothing? Crap!"

An alarm went off outside. "That's from the museum!" Grabbing a nightstick, Copper ran out.

Redd strolled into the police station a second later.

"YOU!" growled Larry.

"Yeah, I pulled the alarm so I could get you out."

"Out!"

"I considered just selling you out for your house," began Redd, "but..."

Larry smiled. "And here I was going to sell YOU out!"

"Exactly!" agreed the fox. "We think alike! We really ARE a duo! I was just realizing that if we work together, we can team up against the real enemy!"

"Mario?"

"Tom Nook."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a bit embarassed at using a song from _An American Tasle_, but it's pretty darn catchy. Writing the animals as paranoid characters is pretty fun. Also, Yuka's verse in "It Sucks To Be Me" is a refrence to an earlier story I did, _Strangers On a Train_, in which she is stalked by Rover.

Also, I'm really sorry for not updating for a while.


	9. Promise Not to Get Mad?

Yeah, yeah, as you can see, I kind of lost interest in this story. I'm sorry, it just wasn't that fun for me. The rest of the plot dealt with the Koopalings running around to various places looking for Mario.

So flame away, I'm sorry, but I wasn't into this one. Here's the intended last scene.

* * *

Weary and tired, the Koopalings sadly returned to Bowser's Castle. Nowhere on their "epic journey," had they seen Mario. They had failed. No head.

When they reached Bowser's bedroom, Ludwig, because he was the oldest, volunteered to talk to their father. "Excuse me, King Dad."

"Huh? Oh, you're back."

Ludwig nodded. "Yes, it's been ages. But over the last few months, we've scoured the globe and subuniverses looking for Mario...but we've found nothing."

"Mario? Right...well, that's 'cause he never left the kingdom."

"WHAT?!" chorused the Koopalings.

"Yeah," nodded Bowser. "I just wanted to show you guys how hard I've got it here."

"How does sending us on a wild goose chase show ANYTHING?!" shouted Larry.

"I guess it doesn't," shrugged Bowser. "Happens. Goodnight."

With that, the King lumbered away. With a growl, the Koopalings lunged at him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Think King Dad will be mad at us for leaving him for dead in the lava pits?" asked Iggy.

"He did the same to Kamek once," said Lemmy. "And the Magikoopa's still kicking!"

"Now what?" asked Roy.

Morton opened his mouth to give an opinion, but the Koopalings threw him out the window before he could speak. No one wanted to hear him now.

"Hey," said Wendy, looking in a telescope, "check out what's going on in the Kingdom!"

Wendy: _**Look, there she goes**_

_**Peach is right there, unguarded**_

_**We should drag her back, one limb each**_

Iggy: _**Cause our journey gave us squat**_

Lemmy: _**We'll ignore it, it's a blot**_

Ludwig: _**But we know that we can always get**_

Larry: _**We know that we can always get**_

Roy and Jr: _**We know that we can always get**_

All:


End file.
